Author Archives: Mark Dent

Your Halloween Soundtrack

Two years ago, I petitioned to the world, i.e. to the loyal, super-awesome readers of this blog, the need for Halloween songs. And I wasn’t talking about scary sounds to hear in the dark like you might hear at one of those $72 Haunted House in Kansas City’s West Bottoms or Dallas’ Deep Ellum. I mean real songs. Pop songs. Rock songs. Rap songs. Songs that aren’t made for Halloween but sound like Halloween.

So…I decided to make a Halloween soundtrack this year. You’ll see some songs from that old list and plenty of new ones. You won’t see the “Monster Mash” by Bobby Pickett because who the hell would honestly want to hear that song at a party. Feel free to add some Halloween songs you can think of in the comments section.

And if you have a Halloween party this weekend, I highly recommend all of these. Or bring it to a party if you’re not throwing one. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

“Amazing,” by Kanye West
Yeah, “I’m a monster. I’m a maven.” This song will do just fine. It’s also a really good song for warming up for a basketball game.

Continue reading

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The real Lil’ Papi and the World Series

Two nights in a row, two games in the World Series, Lil’ Papi has earned an at-bat. And I chose that verb for a reason. He has earned it.

It’s strange with Lil’ Papi. He has the best nickname in the world – one that I obviously stole to make myself sound cooler – and no one really knows that he has it. I’m not entirely sure that anyone would know it if they hadn’t asked me for the origin of my Facebook name, or if they were hardcore fans of Joe Posnanski.

Lil’ Papi, the first Lil’ Papi, is Esteban German. Continue reading

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Losing a wallet

I lost my wallet last Friday night.* I lost it in the parking lot of a Taco Cabana because my pockets were too shallow. I lost the first normal wallet I ever owned.

*Is that one of the Friday foibles Katy Perry discusses in her TGIF song?

Long before last Friday, probably during senior year of high school, someone pointed out to me that I was, unbeknownst to me at this point, actually George Costanza. I didn’t work for the Yankees. I didn’t carve a secret compartment underneath my desk so I could take naps. And I didn’t go on a date with Marissa Tomei that ended with a slap and tell my fiancé that I was actually meeting with a friend’s boyfriend named Art, who exported chips, in an attempt to cover up the mishap.

It was because of the wallet. Continue reading

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75 Degrees

It was 75 degrees on Saturday in Dallas. I’m not sure if that temperature was official. It may have been 71 degrees or even 76. I don’t know. But people were saying it was 75 degrees. The sun gleamed, its rays not burning but warming, pleasantly, like it knew not to overstep its boundaries because it was January Continue reading

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Above the Rim

Basketball is beautiful. It really is. Even the crummy WNBA ad campaign from a few years ago centering on that concept didn’t take away the simplistic yet resonant meaning of those three words. BASKETBALL IS BEAUTFIUL.

Rustin Dodd recently listed it as the most artistic game, more aesthetically pleasing than soccer and even tennis, a game, to me, defined by the unparalleled grace of its greatest champion, Roger Federer. But Rustin is right, and I fully understood why on Thursday.

I was watching the KU-UCLA game. All my life, I’ve loved Kansas basketball. That should come as no surprise to the 13 readers of this blog. The roots of my love are superficial at best, maybe embarrassing at worst. I began loving Kansas because of the colors. My parents, Debbie and Paul Dent, introduced the concept of colleges when I couldn’t have been more than four or five years old. Kansas wore red and blue. Kansas State wore purple. Red and blue was cool. And purple sucked. I was a Jayhawk.

Not long after, I began watching the basketball games because my dad viewed every one of them (and still does) like every member of the Jayhawk family, with religious fervor. I watched Steve Woodberry and Patrick Ritchie, then Jacque Vaughn and Ryan Robertson, then Jeff Boschee and Kenny Gregory, then Kirk Hinrich and Nick Collison, and then in the most recent times I watched Russell Robinson and Brandon Rush. Then I stopped.

I haven’t watched much KU basketball this year, nor did I watch much last year. That is what happens when you live in a city located far away from Lawrence. There are bars to watch it here in Dallas and ESPN3 is a God-send and good Samaritans illegally stream games on Justin.TV, but the games have tumbled down my list of priorities. The euphoria present with every dribble in Lawrence-KC fades away when you leave the city limits. Even when I watch the games, I am not watching them the same way I do at Allen Fieldhouse or in a Johnson County family room. I am watching them detached from what makes the games special.

But I did watch on Thursday. I was into the game more than most I see because it was a tight game. I even got a little angry at the missed free throws and when Tyrel Reed threw away the basketball with 13 seconds left. Then Tyler Honeycutt squared up, then the entire game depended on his shooting stroke, then it hit me.

Basketball is beautiful.

I prayed he would make it. I wanted to see the union of ball and net. I realized I love KU, but I love basketball more. Basketball is improvisational art. It is spontaneous, and the performances last for two hours, longer if we’re lucky. No single team or player can transcend the joy provided by the actual game; they only contribute to it. That is what happened when Marcus Morris lofted a Todd Reesing pass in transition to Markieff Morris, and it is what happened when Honeycutt pulled up six feet behind the three-point line with a hand in his face and made the shot all of us knew he would make and the shot I wanted him to make so he could prolong the masterpiece he had composed over the last 39 minutes and 50 seconds.

Of course, had the refs not interfered with art, I also wanted Kansas to destroy UCLA in overtime.

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Rapping in the late 90s

The journey down Memory Lane (Sittin’ In Da Park) began with Nas and his Illmatic album. I had just moved a CD wallet containing some of my oldest CD’s from my room to my car and felt like listening to rap music. Illmatic begat DJ Clue’s Backstage Mixtape begat Ruff Ryders Ryde or Die Volume II begat Silkk the Shocker’s Charge It To Da Game, which got me thinking back to a time passed.

In 1997 to at least 2000, many commercial hip-hop/rap artists weren’t defined by the lyrics he spit or even the thumping beats in the background. A rapper was defined by one’s crew. One’s label. One’s association with someone better and more well-known than him or her.

It went like this. A talented artist, a Nas or a Jay-Z, released a couple of successful albums. He made enough money to buy the island of Cyprus. He released a clothing line. Then he decided to share the wealth amongst his friends, giving them a platform to rap while dreaming the friends could attain similar accolades but actually and smartly knowing they sucked but it didn’t matter because people would pay $14 for an album by a nobody and think it was decent because they were affiliated with said famous, successful rapper.

I was anointed into this rap community with Puff Daddy splashing the holy Cristal on my forehead. It was the same way every white millennial from suburbia experienced the dive into rap. His album No Way Out dropped in 1997, when I was in fifth grade. Puff Daddy, who actually went by Sean “Puffy” Combs for about seventeen minutes that year, had groundbreaking hits then, notably “Mo Money, Mo Problems” (actually on B.I.G.’s album) and “I’ll Be Missing You.” “Mo Money, Mo Problems” rocked and still does, but he was parroting off the fame of his late friend the Notorious B.I.G.

Biggie was the center of Bad Boy, the originator. He had the talent. He made the money. He lent cache to anyone with a microphone who drew near. Because of him, Bad Boy exploded. Artists like Lil’ Cease and Puff Daddy, as a rapper, became household names to hip-hop heads because they hung around with and recorded with Biggie.

And there was nothing terribly wrong with the Bad Boy clique, as far as music goes*. The Lox was a talented group, Mase a talented rapper pre his born-again Christian phase and Lil’ Kim was at least tolerable as a featured artist. The problem came because others across the country replicated the formula.

*The opinion that opposing rap alliances Bad Boy (east coast) and Deathrow (west coast) contributed to the deaths of Biggie and 2Pac is valid, if not irrefutable, but not the point of this blog post. I am simply here to discuss how much rap music sucked because of these amalgamations of non-talented musicians who just had good connections.

As Bad Boy reached its apex and then plummeted, other groups around the country took off. There were the Ruff Ryders. DMX, maybe the first rapper to be charged with both sodomy and animal cruelty, was the originator, his song “Ruff Ryders Anthem” announcing their arrival.

Besides DMX, there was Eve, a good musician and then people with names like Drag-On, Young Wun and Jin. Drag-On is such a terrible, forgettable rapper that you can’t even find his second-most famous song, “Groundhog Day,” on YouTube.

Other East Coast groups included the Flipmode Squad, headed by Busta Rhymes, Roc-A-Fella with Jay-Z and a short-lived effort by Nas’ Ill Will Records. Those mistakes brought us artists like Spliff Star and the Bravehearts and gut-wrenching songs like “Oochie Wallie.” But the worst offenders came from the South. The worst offenders included No Limit Records.

Other crews had a talented musician at the center; No Limit had Master P. He became famous because he uttered “ugh” every four seconds in his songs. He made two movies, “I Got The Hook Up” and “Foolish,” that no one, to this day, has ever seen. He played an exhibition basketball game for the Charlotte Hornets. He was not talented.

No Limit Records never aspired for artistic greatness, nor did it pretend to. The word business is commonly thrown out to describe the rap game, and no crew approached music as a business more than No Limit. Master P wanted the rappers from his legion, as he termed them soldiers, to release 20-song albums at a near-weekly basis. Wikipedia tells me that in 1998, 23 No Limit albums came out, a number that included a CD titled My Balls and My Word by a rapper named Young Bleed.

There was no thought put into any of it. Each album was the same. They contained forgettable odes about drug dealing and ghetto stereotypes and the requisite “fallen homies” and “crew shout-out” songs that featured seven artists. Nepotism got you signed. Master P’s brothers, Silkk and C-Murder, were on the label. The majority of the artists, like Mr. Serv-On, hailed from P’s hometown of New Orleans. None of them were good. None of them. Yet Fiend’s album reached No. 8 in the entire country, and rappers like Serv-On and Big Ed and the Gambino Family had albums in the top 20. Silkk the Shocker had an album go No. 1.

The commercial success led to No Limit’s greatest sin, spawning the Southside’s other mistake, Cash Money Records. Like No Limit, it differed from some of the other rap crews. It had talent at the center, in Juvenile and a young Lil’ Wayne, but usually crews were started by rich, established stars. No one had any money for Cash Money records. As you could imagine, this became a problem, considering the sole gimmick of Cash Money was to describe how much money they had even though they didn’t have any.

Every single song was about Bentleys and Rolexes. A song like “Rich N*****” would have a verse that would then turn into the chorus for the song “Loud Pipes.” It was cut and paste, and borrow the sweet cars and platinum chains that were in the music videos. Thankfully a few years ago, Cash Money handed everything over to Lil’ Wayne so the label actually survives today and resembles little of the genre-ruining entity it was years ago.

Back then, rap had changed. The music at its origins was largely about MC battles. One person rapped to the same beat as another, and a crowd decided who was better. Individual talent won out. If someone grew up on the same street as DMX, it didn’t matter. You were exposed if you didn’t have the necessary skill. But in the late 90s that was no longer the case.

The rap industry resembled the real world in that who you knew mattered as much as what you could do. The talented didn’t necessarily catch the breaks. Sure, some did, but far too many got in through connections. Memphis Bleek was from Marcy, so Jay-Z gave him a spot on Roc-A-Fella and the opportunity to release two terrible albums, maybe more.

That was the late 90s and the early aughts for hip-hop. Excess and undeserved opportunity. Fortunately the Internet came along and gutted the music industry. Commercially successful rappers don’t make near as much as they used to, and the cliques full of wannabes dissolved years ago because stars can’t afford to offer alms to their friends. All that’s left are the Drag-On and Silkk the Shocker albums tucked into a CD wallet in the front seat of my car, albums I still listen to and still question why.

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State of the ‘Brew’nion

To the regular readers: Many apologies for lackadaisical posting here. I’m working on a writing project outside of work that is killing my time and I know Rustin is always busy working what amounts to two jobs at the Star. That said, let’s take this as a step toward much more regular posts.

I sounded like Christine O’Donnell, and those preceding words are the hardest I’ve typed in a long time, maybe ever. But it’s true. Click here and look back at the introductory blog for the Brew House, written almost a year ago today.

Or just read. This was my attempt to define a blog, a meaning I considered philosophical back then and can now regard only as stupidity or perhaps something that ranks higher on the not-so-smart list, like ignorance.

“Some were people’s opinions about politics or sports. Some were just pictures. Some were random thoughts. Some seemed to be nothing more than a person’s daily schedule.

“Then it became clear. There really is no definition for a blog. Blogs are anything. Blogs are you.”*

A year later, I only want to say that whatever blogs are, they aren’t Christine O’Donnell. And I want to ramble on about the last year of my life, the first year of the Brew House, in this first State of the ‘Brew’nion. In much the same way my thoughts about the definition of blogs have changed, so has much else in my life. Of course, unlike my opinion of the meaning of a blog, this change was more natural, more a gradual step of a never-ending evolution, something Christine O’Donnell would claim doesn’t exist.

*If you don’t get the O’Donnell reference. Watch this commercial and then you will.

I’m sure all of us feel like this. It would be strange for us not to evolve. Years blend and blur into the next, the only concrete difference being the four digits we type next to the day and month at the top of Word documents, but then you realize the smaller changes that take place each day when you slow down and look in the past, past what’s in front of you. I think these changes particularly relate to people my age.

Last fall was the first time since I was six years old that I didn’t begin a new school year in late August. College had ended. I had stopped living with two of my best friends at 12th and Louisiana, just five minutes from the Union and five more past Fraser toward the heart of campus. I would no longer drink at Dollar Night on Wednesdays or write my Morning Brew for the Kansan on Sundays. I wouldn’t study. I wouldn’t sit in lectures. I wouldn’t purposely stomp really loud on our hardwood floors at the apartment just to be freaking hilarious and annoy the people who lived below us.

I would put on a polo and slacks – thank God not a tie – and go to work. I would be thrust into a city I hadn’t seen or visited since third grade, a city where I knew only one person and he would be moving to Korea in two months. I wouldn’t be around young people all the time. That was the biggest thing. Life wouldn’t continually intersect with the lives of others that are the same age, and I think all of us probably took that comfort for granted. People with similar goals, opinions and lifestyles surrounded us from grade school through college. We could always talk with someone and likely find common ground.

And now I would have to work with adults, spend a significant chunk of my day with them. Not one person under the age of 35 was employed at my office when I took my job. They would be people who are married. People who have kids. I wouldn’t even have a dog. Or a cat. What had life become? What would it become?

A year has passed. I’m still living in Dallas – and enjoying every day. The two strangers I rented an apartment with off Craigslist weren’t serial rapists, per the usual Craigslist zeitgeist, and have become two of my good friends. Younger people have been hired at work, and the adults aren’t so bad either. Uptown bars aren’t a whole lot different than those on Mass. Street. I bought a new car, performed standup comedy twice, saw some sick bands at Austin City Limits, played ball at the Rucker, choked in several matches of a tennis league, ran a half-marathon. I’m comfortable, probably every bit as comfortable as college. Life has become life.

And nothing feels different from a year ago, although plenty is. Every day or perhaps every week marked a small yet significant alteration in life’s delicate fabric, and every day probably will bring the same from here on forward. Sometimes this evolution might not be easy. Sometimes the nicks and cuts might linger. But it always feels right to take time and look back on all those changes and realize that they make you better.

That’s the point of this State of the ‘Brew’nion, to take inventory of an always-evolving life. Who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be next year? Who knows what it will be like for any of us?

I only know one thing won’t change. I can say with certainty that I’ll never be a witch.

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Traffic Jamming

There are times when the words won’t come out, when the fingers punching the keyboard can’t produce what the mind desires.

There are times when excessive commitments from work or social life take away any opportunity to write.

And then there are times when you hear about a nine-day traffic jam in China and the thrill of absurdity and inexplicability knocks down any considerable blogging obstacle.

So, did you hear about the traffic jam?

The one that’s lasted for, oh, about nine days. NINE FREAKING DAYS. People have been caught in traffic. Not moving. In their cars. FOR NINE DAYS.

That’s six days longer than the Isner, Mahut zombie match, longer than “Ben-Hur” and only a day shorter than the average checkout line at Wal-Mart.

And it’s actually still happening, all of it on a road connecting Beijing to inner Mongolia. The armada of cramped, immovable cars stretches for more than 60 miles.

I’ve never been to China, but I’ve read about the driving and the roads and the congestion from the author Peter Hessler. It’s grating. The best way to describe its insanity and mind-warping annoyance is this: Picture the worst traffic you’ve experienced and multiply it by 735, add thicker-than-L.A. smog, an alarming number of Volkswagens, bad tires, and a lack of passion for the well-being of an automobile, and then pretend that in addition to those variables you also have Dane Cook sitting next to you in the passenger seat.

Yeah, it’s that bad. This time it became worse because in addition to the usual problems, there was also construction. Yes, construction. A few oranges cones and cranes have led to a nine-day and counting headache.

Reports say people are playing cards to pass the time and sleeping in their cars. Food comes from vendors who are gouging the unfortunate drivers. But these stories aren’t nearly enough in-depth. This is the biggest event in weird news history. There should be on-the-clock CNN reporting*. So many questions are unanswered.

*Perhaps if there were a balloon boy hovering above, CNN would increase its coverage.

What have people been listening to on the radio?

What if someone left behind his or her cell phone at home that day?

What if you were driving back from a first date?

What do you tell your boss?*

Sorry Bob, not going to be able to make it in today, tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, next Monday, next Tuesday, next Wednesday or next Thursday.

What if you had to go to the bathroom?

What if your air conditioner was broken?

At what point did drivers decide to put the car in park and rest their legs. Or is there still a driver out there with his car on, keeping his foot on the brake pedal and thinking that at any second the flow of traffic could resume?

Even without stories, we know this would be an absolute nightmare. Besides Dane Cook, there are few nuisances in our society worse than traffic. A famous scene in “Office Space” displays our cultural opinion.

Either the bald guy or Michael Bolton is on his way to work. I think it’s the bald guy. Anyways, his lane stops moving so he switches into another that is moving. That lane stops. His former lane starts moving. He switches back. That one stops. He screams, he pounds his steering wheel and that, my friends, is traffic.

But this, this Chinese ordeal, isn’t traffic. It’s beyond that. It really isn’t even a nightmare. Nightmares contain bits of reality. This can’t be real. Our imaginations can’t wander far enough to create such implausible, lasting chaos.

I remember getting stuck in traffic for two and a half hours last fall. There was no construction and no accident. It was just plain ol’ Texas confusion! And it sucked. My IPod shuffle saved the last piece of my sanity.

I can also think of the worst traffic I’ve seen. It was in Cairo. A main avenue was fraught with honking cars and a whole lot of random vehicles, like horse-drawn carriages and makeshift buses where people sat on top of the roof and hung out doors and stopped wherever the quote-un-quote bus driver felt like stopping. There was even a guy in a sweatsuit running in the middle of the road. I’d never seen anything like it.

And this is 735 times worse. Drivers in China are living something beyond the throes of nightmare, and the strangest part is they hardly seem to care.

I looked over and over for quotes about this event, about this insanity, and I kept coming across only one.

It comes from a guy with the last name Wang.* Wang is a trucker. He told a reporter that from CBC News that he had been stuck in the jam for the past three days and two nights.

*Really? In a story about Asians, the lone guy quoted has to have the last name Wang.

He told the reporter that drivers had been advised to take detours, to get the hell out of the mind-bending traffic snarl. But he was going to stand his ground. He wanted to stay as long as he could.

“I would rather stay here,” he said to CBC, “since I will travel more distance and increase my costs.”

And unfortunately there are no words to justify that man’s decision.

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Nostalgia and Target

Not so long ago, about seven years now, I donned the red shirt and khakis and clipped a sweet walkie-talkie and an inventory scanner gun on one of my belt loops five days a week. Yes, I worked at Super Target.

My position was titled Electronics/Sales Floor. This meant I would make up facts about digital cameras to sound like an expert and stroll around the aisles pretending I was busy for a period of six to eight hours, not listening to what any co-workers said on the aforementioned walkie-talkie. When a guest (not a customer, we called them guests) asked me a question, likely about the location of a specific item, three different outcomes could arise.

One: I would tell them I had no idea where it was and point them in the direction of someone else.

Two: I would hide behind the large tires in the auto section.

Three: I would tell them I didn’t work there, insisting that I was actually wearing a blue shirt and thus they must be color blind for thinking it was red and accosting me.

Somehow I lasted at Super Target for nearly six months. Then again, my shtick probably worked out better than the other employees, considering one of them my age was fired and indicted for stealing thousands of dollars worth of electronics.

All of this comes to mind because I went to Super Target on Sunday in Dallas, looking to buy a new swimsuit,* and the old feelings returned. They always do. Memories of that summer and fall resurface every time.

*And yes, Super Target is considered classy for me. I mean, I could have bought a swimsuit at Wal-Mart.

When I go, I think about my bosses. One of them was named J.R. His breath reeked of a smell that I’d never whiffed before and haven’t since. I suspect it may have been raw fish heads.

Whenever a new person was hired, the first conversation they had with me always followed this dynamic.

New employee: Who the hell is that guy with the toxic breath standing 70 feet away from me?

Me: Oh, that’s J.R. Wait until he finishes eating his “seafood” lunch.

The breath was a great bonding tool, not that we needed any extra bonding. Target made sure of that.

After all, us workers weren’t a group of individuals (there’s no I in Target). We weren’t even an ensemble or a troupe. We were a team, damn it. And teams don’t just go to work and avoid helping guests. They must plan.

So every afternoon or morning we assembled in the warehouse. A boss discussed sales figures and strategy as if we were planning a two-pronged flank attack in the Caucasus region rather than assisting suburban housewives looking to buy the Mercy Me CD, a frozen pizza and a metallic picture frame all in the same place.

The focal point of this strategy often included “bulls eyes.” Bulls eyes were lingo for credit cards. Employees were supposed to ask guests if they wanted to buy a Target credit card EVERY SINGLE TIME they bought something. If I accidentally listened to the walkie-talkie sometimes I would hear about how one of my co-workers (teammates) sold up to three in a day.

In my entire six months, I asked ONE guest about the credit card, begging him to say no, which he did.

So yes, there are some great memories from that summer. And on Sunday, one swirled back that I hadn’t thought of in a long time.

It surfaced in the checkout lane. The cashier charged me $14.99 for the swimsuit, when I had found it on the sales rack that said all swimsuits cost $10.98. I told her this, and right away she entered $10.98 as the price. She didn’t check. She didn’t use her walkie-talkie. She just took my word.

I might have thought this crazy, but then again, maybe she was just like me.

Every once in a while, the Target managers would wrest me from my hiding spot on the sales floor and ask me to help as a cashier. I always ran into difficulties when this happened because I was actually forced to perform a tangible duty. I’d routinely call a manager for help, and one time, he showed me a cool trick.

A guest had argued that a price was incorrect. The manager quickly did some research and found this was indeed the case. Then he entered a code onto the computer that allowed you to override the designated price and enter a new one.

I’m not sure if it was the same day or many days later, but I was back at the cash registers again, forced to actually work. A lady came through with a curious object. I believe it was some kind of decoration for a garden or some sort of interior sculpture for a house. Whatever it was, it looked as high-end as anything could look at Target. It looked expensive, like $100 or up expensive.

“Sir,” she said, “I couldn’t find the price tag for this.”

I looked. There was no tag to scan that would indicate its cost. She said there was no label on the shelf where she found it.

I looked at the line behind her. A throng awaited. I thought back to my manager’s cool trick. And I spit out a number like $40, asking the lady if she would pay that much.

She was shocked. Her face portrayed a mixture of giddiness and mystery. She wasn’t sure if this was legal but she was sure this would get her a great deal, and she quickly agreed.

But my haggling wasn’t finished. I looked at the sculpture or whatever the hell it was and decided to take another $10 off the price.

Bulls eye!

My duties at the cash register ended a few minutes later, and I went back to the sales floor more inspired than ever to pretend I knew information about megapixels and hide behind tires.

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The end of the shore

1,500 bins of protein
20 new tanning beds
12,000 washes and dries at the local laundromat
6,000 bottles of LA Looks hair gel from Amazon.com

***

You may have heard the news by now and understand the meaning of the numbers at the top of the page.

The cast of the Jersey Shore recently re-upped for a third season and didn’t sign until MTV assured them what could be years of financial security for most normal people. But for the Guidos it makes more sense to describe it as I did above. With the money they make from each episode, they’ll be able to buy either 1,500 bins of protein, 20 new tanning beds, 12,000 rounds of laundry or, yes, 6,000 bottles of hair gel.

For the less-frivolously-inclined, that comes out to $30,000 an episode or about $300,000 for the entire season. That comes out to ways of excess and waste we can’t even comprehend but will likely see on a weekly basis as we watch the Guidos. And it comes out to end of this show’s popularity and charm*.

*I just became the first person to use the word charm to describe the Jersey Shore?

This is the third time I’ve written about the Jersey Shore, and I don’t know why. But I do know why I watch it.

Maybe for some people that question is not so easy to answer. In fact, the New York Times recently featured a story about Snooki in which it stated that most avid viewers of the show can’t even say why. But I believe there is an obvious reason why we tuned into the first season. It was real.

As I wrote in an earlier blog, the Jersey Shore was “a medium for them to express their true desires and feelings, for them to demonstrate and educate to those of us who didn’t believe this type of behavior was possible, for them to attempt to reach hair-gelled, tanning-oil-soaked nirvana.”

We saw their behavior and thought that was really them. Their unquenchable desire to listen and dance to house music, their belief nutrients blended into shake-form made the best meals, and their distaste for any clothing item that didn’t contain rhinestones may have been pathetic (actually, it certainly was), but it was them. They were genuine reality TV personalities.

Now they’re just reality TV stars. And there’s nothing worse than being a reality TV star. Reality TV stars are Flava Flav. They are Kim Kardashian and Sharon Osborne and Paris Hilton. They aren’t real celebrities, but they aren’t real people either. They inhabit a netherworld between fame and normalcy that we don’t envy and can’t relate to.

Shows, starting with season two that begins this week, won’t be so much about discarding grenades and Snooki searching for love.

Because of the money, the Guidos have reached that exalted state of nirvana. Protein is plentiful. Tanning will mean walking downstairs to the basement and a personal booth. Girls will seek the Situation. A really drunk, disturbed, crazy juice-head might actually go after Snooki.

MTV, in the end, is really to blame. The network could have found more Guidos (I’m sure plenty would have loved to audition) and started each season again from with fresh, new headcases.

Instead we’ll get excess and inflated egos and fakeness, the marks of all other reality TV shows, and we’ll quickly discover that, even though a Guido would never admit it, 6,000 bottles of hair gel is too much.

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