The Brew House

I like to watch bad movies, that is, I like to watch bad movies if I know the movie will be bad. Such knowledge allows me to laugh at the low moments, the unintentional comedy. I think this goes back to the classic, “Spring Break Shark Attack.” It came out during, get this, spring break, of my senior year of high school. The made-for-TV movie dealt with four subject matters: sharks, chicks, booze and date rape drugs. I laughed til’ I decided to turn off the TV and go to sleep. It was wonderful.

But not all bad movies are equal. A bad movie can drag. It can just be boring. Think “Locusts,” which was on TV about two weeks after Shark Attack. These bad movies suck. I want ridiculous dialogue, subplots that are forgotten or given up and really, anything by M. Night Shyamalan.

On Sunday night, I decided to watch “The Roommate,” a genuine bomb, sitting at four percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and zero percent from the top critics. I wanted to indulge in my guilty pleasure. But I also wanted to be productive. So I settled for this, live blogging during the movie. I tried to advance what little plot there was while also commenting.

So here you go, the first of what I hope to be an occasional series, Diary of a Bad Movie. Warning, there are spoilers, if you actually care about seeing this masterpiece one day.

Quick plot synopsis: Minka Kelly plays Sara, who has moved away to college. I will refer to her as Minka or Minka Kelly. Her roommate is Rebecca, played by Leighton Meester. Life is all peaches and cream, or so she thinks. Turns out, you’ll never believe this, Rebecca is crazy, and she is going to do CRAZY things to Minka and all her friends. Are you hooked yet? Me neither.

Let’s see where this novel plot takes us!

9:00 – Opening scene. Minka Kelly, fresh to the college life, and her friends go to a frat party, you know with drinking and boys, says one of the friends, a curly-haired blonde, played by Aly Michalka. Something tells me that this party might include drinking and boys. YEP. I was right

9:04 – Is Minka Kelly going to wear some awesome outfit in this movie, like where she is wearing nothing at all?

9:06 – D-bag frat guy who plays the nice guy role at the party introduces himself to Minka. She claims to have been drinking punch. After he nicely drops her off in her nice dorm room and kisses her with his nice lips after parting his nice hair, Minka walks in to find CRAZY ROOMMATE. She is not crazy yet, only sleeping.

9:12 – Minka Kelly has a long distance boyfriend apparently. His voice sounds very deep, like Jerry O’Connell from the TV show “Sliders.” Oh wait he is an ex-boyfriend, although I suspect their relationship status on Facebook could be classified as “It’s Complicated.”

9:13 – WOW the name of their college is U.L.A., which is actually the college Will Smith attended on Fresh Prince. I wonder if he’ll appear for a cameo.

9:14 – Crazy roommate doesn’t like the name Reba or Becca. She very solemnly says she likes Rebecca. I wonder if she would like the name Recka.

9:15 – Stereotypical college art class begins. Professor is discussing journeys and believing. The professor looks a lot like Jason Kidd. He clearly has the hots for Minka Kelly, who at this juncture is wearing an awesome outfit, albeit one that involves clothing.

9:16 – Nevermind, he’s not Jason Kidd. The actor is Billy Zane, The Phantom/Rose’s bf from Titanic.

9:17 – Minka and curly-haired blonde go to a club called Seven Grand after Rebecca doesn’t want to go. OK folks, the plot is evolving right before our eyes. Minka Kelly is a girl who wants to go on an artistic journey, escaping her d-bag ex-boyfriend, but could be inhibited by a bad actor professor who wants to jump her bones and, oh yes, THE ROOMMATE!!!!

9:19 – OK, serious problem here. Alert that website that outlines all the movie mistakes. From the bar, Minka Kelly just called crazy roommate’s cell phone collect. THAT is not possible.

9:20 – Roommate date to the museum now. That late night phone call clearly led to some hinted bonding. And guess what, FORESHADOWING. Rebecca, crazy roommate, loves a really creepy painting of a nurse-like figure, saying you can see from the eyes that she actually wants to help people.

9:22 – Wow, this is kind of a good song, it’s by Empire of the Sun.

9:23 – Minka Kelly finds a stray kitten on the way home from her jog. She brings it back to the dorm. Methinks crazy roommate is going to get PISSSED.

9:24 – Nope, nevermind. She’s not pissed. But wait. Crazy roommate has decided to try on one of Minka’s necklaces, a necklace that belonged to Minka’s dead sister. And of course Minka has a dead sibling. What kind of movie would this be if she didn’t? (Answer: A movie with just a little bit more originality).

9:28- Yikes-mode has officially been turned on. Crazy roommate has decided to take a pair of earrings Minka nicely gave her and put them in her ears. This wouldn’t be entirely sadistic if crazy roommate had pierced ears. Let the record show that she in fact does not have pierced ears.

9:28 – Minka Kelly has a crappy cell phone, worse than my Sony Ericson from 1912. This movie was made in 2010, so come on.

9:30 – After the art show, crazy roommate now has a strange staredown with the curly-haired blonde friend of Minka’s. She was waiting outside her room. Curly hair tells Minka, who mostly brushes it off.

9:31 – Contrary to popular opinion, beauty is not in the eye of the beholder – says creepy, bad actor professor. Very original. We are back to the crazy professor subplot. CAN YOU GUYS KEEP UP WITH THIS????

9:33 – Return of the frat guy. Date time. As this is going on, we switch to Curly Hair Blond in the shower; she is singing. I don’t like the looks of this. Nothing ever goes right in a shower scene. Alfred Hitchcock was a genius. He invented the whole scary shower scene. It’s unfortunate so many people have had to ruin it.

9:36 – Conclusion of the shower scene – Crazy roommate rips the navel ring out of Curly Hair Blond. Very relative props on that. I’ve never seen that before.

9:37 – Crazy Roommate gets pissed when Minka Kelly comes back from the date really late.

9:39 – WOW – So get this, rather than Facebook, this movie has a social networking site called Frienderz. Is it illegal to show Facebook in a movie or TV show nowadays? Will I be sued for mentioning this?

9:40 – More creepy obnoxious staring from Crazy Roommate. This time it is directed at frat guy boyfriend in the library. She even whispered his name. Scene ends with him walking out, a little scared but never seeing Crazy Roommate.

9:42 – Another date. This time Minka Kelly challenges frat guy to a bet. They hang from the jungle gym of a nearby playground. She wins. This is not only patently ridiculous but also false. There is no way Minka Kelly could hang longer than a muscular frat guy.

9:46: In random news, the kitten is still alive. That’s a shocker. Post script: A real strange scene just ended. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but I think Minka’s roommate just had phone sex with Minka’s ex-boyfriend. ANOTHER PLOT TWIST.

9:47 – Minka just had a conversation with another friend of hers about moving in with her and leaving Crazy Roommate. This could be a problem.

9:49 – Oh no no no no no no!!! Crazy roommate is headed to the laundry room with the kitten. I don’t even want to tell you what happened.

9:51 – All right, Creepy Professor is back lecturing. Want to know who founded the fashion industry, according to him? It was EVE. She handed ADAM a FIG LEAF and thus created fashion. Creepy Professor is on a roll. Post Script: He just kissed Minka Kelly after class. Seriously, this movie does have quite a few subplots, and we haven’t even seen Curly Blonde for about 25 minutes.

9:53 – Minka just told Crazy Roommate about Creepy Professor. Yep, he’s dead.

9:54 – Whoa whoa whoa. I think Crazy Roommate is trying to seduce rather than murder him. I have concluded this based on the line she just said about clothes – “I look better out of them than in them.”

9:56 – False alarm. She was actually tricking him, recording the conversation. He was put on leave. OK, yeah, at this point, Crazy Roommate is definitely a little strange, but getting a professor kicked out of school who creeped on your best friend isn’t really crazy, psychotic or murderous. It’s a little outside of normal behavior, but that’s it. One could easily argue that her action was actually ethical. Damn it, though, I just remembered Crazy Roommate has killed a kitten. So yeah, she is psycho.

9:57 – New plot line, new plot line. Frat Boyfriend is thinking about quitting his band. When the hell was he even in a band in the first place?

9:59 – Nevermind that earlier entry from 9:56 Volume Two. Crazy roommate is clearly crazy. She just slashed her own stomach with a box cutter.

10:01 – The wounds clearly changed Minka’s mind. Instead of having Thanksgiving dinner on campus with Frat Boyfriend, she is now visiting Crazy Roommate’s family in Beverly Hills for the holiday. Fifty bucks says the psychotic stuff goes down here, somehow frat guy notices it, and he swoops in at the right time, hitting the ignore button on Minka’s cell phone (naturally, Ex-Boyfriend has to be calling again soon) while he puts Crazy Roommate into a coma.

10:04 – It’s the middle of the night, and Crazy Roommate’s father is in the kitchen, getting a midnight snack. He walks in only to find Crazy Roommate, his daughter, sitting there. Every single movie and TV show features people waking up in the middle of the night and eating something. NOBODY does that in real life. I have once. I remember eating a bowl of cereal one time at like three in the morning. I didn’t find any crazy relatives waiting for me in the kitchen.

10:07 – Minka learns from Crazy Roommate’s mother that she is supposed to be taking medication. I suspect the pills are A.K.’s – anti-kills, the only thing that can prevent her from wielding knives and slashing throats at random.

10:09 – Weird scene where high school friends of Crazy Roommate see her and Minka at a coffee shop. One of them says we were never friends. Strange but again not psychotic. There is only about 25 minutes left. Is the action even going to start?

10:10 – Now Minka is back on campus. Talk about a jump cut. And so much for the murderous hometown prediction.

10:11 – A gas station attendant named Rick is hitting on Crazy Roommate. What the hell is going on? And why is there a gas station attendant? Have they traveled back in time to 1960s Garden City, Kansas? Is there a horse sock?

10:13 – So the medication is Zyprexa, used to treat schizophrenia.

10:14 – Jump cut, jump cut, jup cut. Crazy roommate is in a club, with friend of Minka’s who asked her to move in. She doesn’t even know her. I don’t even recognize the character.

10:17 – All right, my roommate just walked in, who is not crazy by the way, and he thought that Crazy Roommate was played by Minka Kelly, meaning Minka was playing both roles. Of course, that is not the case, but if it were, I think this movie might actually be relatively interesting. Post script, crazy roommate just got Minka’s name tattooed on her chest. This forces Minka to move out.

10:19 – So now Minka is going to move in with Frat Boyfriend. I don’t understand why in TV shows and movies, young people, i.e. 18-year-olds, move in with significant others all the time.

10:20 – Wait a minute, Minka just closed the coffee shop where she’s been working for apparently the entire movie. Great idea to include that little detail, Studio. I never would have believed an affluent, attractive young fashion major could afford college without making an extra $6.13 an hour working a part-time job. And where is Curly Haired Blonde?

10:21 – YEEEESSSSSS!!!! I called it. I called it. Ex-Boyfriend is back. He actually just arrived at U.L.A. and called Minka. Oh man, this is great.

10:22 – Oh snap. Ex-Boyfriend did not just call Minka. He accidentally called her old room. I think we all know what this means, and I don’t think it has anything to do with eating junior mints.

10:25 – Ex-Boyfriend is having sex with Crazy Roommate thinking she is Minka. I understand how you could confuse her voice on the phone, but really?! When it ends, Crazy Roommate stabs Ex-Boyfriend.

10:26 – I’m not sure whether to consider these last few minutes of the movie falling action or still a buildup to a climax. I’m not sure the writers knew either.

10:28 – Crazy Roommate has tied up friend of Minka’s. Minka walks in. Crazy Roommate pulls out a gun. Minka apologizes. Crazy Roommate cries, wants forgiveness but still appears ready to kill friend of Minka. Now they are chasing after the gun on the floor. I really hope there is some kind of twist ending, maybe that cameo from Will Smith I mentioned earlier. GO PEACOCKS!

10:30 – Frat Boyfriend enters, tries to the save the day etc. etc. etc. Minka and Frat Boyfriend are now hanging out of a window. They get back into the room. Minka wants to shoot crazy roommate, but the gun has conveniently run out of bullets.

10:32 – More struggling ensues. Minka stabs Crazy Roommate in the back, saying “You were never my friend.” I suspect we are meant to think of this symbolically, you know, a good friend stabs you in the front. Minka clearly doesn’t care about being a good friend at this point, laugh out loud.

10:35 – And that’s a wrap. If you’ve read this entire post, I sincerely thank you. I’ll see you next time I decide to watch a bad movie and write an equally bad 2,400-word blog post. Spoiler alert: It will probably occur way too soon.