The Procrastinator’s Guide to the NCAA Tournament Bracket

I used to study the NCAA Tournament bracket like it was the back of a cereal box and I was extremely bored while eating Fruity Pebbles. My dad would print several out at his office the Monday after the selections and then I could spend the next two and a half days, erasing and erasing and erasing, changing my mind again and again because I never could quite decide whether I should pick St. Bonaventure to beat Kentucky in the 2000 first round.

Now I’m in the real world, which means I have to provide, have to make a living so I can afford to buy vital necessities such as chocolate milk. Ipso facto,* I don’t have very much time on my hands, and I can no longer properly produce an NCAA Tournament bracket. I can, though, stay awake past midnight the day the tournament starts and make my picks and live blog about them to an audience that is only slightly larger than one that would pay to see a St. Bonaventure-Kentucky matchup.

*That’s a real world word, bitches.

So how does a procrastinator fill out an NCAA bracket? With a lot of incorrect gut instincts and long-held dislike for teams and coaches. Here we go, a live blog about all the lack of thoughts going into my bracket, as I attempt to make these picks in true procrastinator fashion, in an Aziz Ansari-esque 30 minutes or less….

First round winners 12:36:11

South

Kentucky – No way a 16 seed wins

Iowa State – Why not. I dislike Jim Calhoun times a lot. He reminds me a lot of Bill O’Reilly.

Wichita State – No chance in hell I pick against the Shockers.

Indiana – Still don’t have an upset yet. Maybe I choked by not picking NMSU. Trivia for ya: NMSU is the only school that actually had a coach who was a coach in the TV show “Hangtime.” That coach was Reggie Theus. Damn, I just wasted a solid minute on that.

UNLV – Colorado gets the “Florida” award for being the least-deserving team in the NCAA Tournament this year.

Baylor

Notre Dame – I’m not picking Xavier, whose season should have been cancelled after that fight against Cincinnati.

Duke

West

Michigan State

St. Louis – Going to pick SLU to go a long ways. Calling it now, though I have no factual reason to believe this.

Long Beach State – Booyah, first upset. Though LBSU over New Mexico is far from a huge upset. I hate it when mid-majors have to play each other in the first round.

Davidson – Why the hell not? Another upset. Clinton Mann for Davidson went to my high school. And Rick Pitino sucks, so Louisville will probably lose for that reason.

Murray State – Never really got on the Murray State bandwagon this year but I’ll pick them here because I already have too many upsets.

Marquette – No Jimmer, no win for BYU

Virginia – Florida is actually not the least deserving high-major team this year, but UVa. Still wins.

Missouri – KU fans, I am so sorry, but you will not like me when you see how far I plan to pick Mizzou.

East

Syracuse

Kansas State

Harvard – Going with the anti-Obama pick. Still can’t believe he didn’t pick his own team to win.

Wisconsin – Montana vs. Wisconsin might be the coldest matchup in NCAA history.

Cincinnati – Seriously, Cincinnati vs. Texas? This might be the least interesting matchup in NCAA history.

Florida State

Gonzaga – I really don’t think this bracket is going to be all that good.

Ohio State

Midwest (Why is there South, East, West and Midwest? I think it has always been this way but why no North?)

North Carolina

Creighton – My sister’s alma mater!!!

Temple – I hate these stupid new first round matchups – I don’t even know who Temple is supposed to play because CBS hasn’t updated it yet. Thanks money-hungry exploitative NCAA for your bad decisions.

Michigan

San Diego State – How did SDSU get a 6-seed?

Georgetown

St. Mary’s

Kansas – KU fans, I am so sorry but Digger Phelps picked KU to go to the Final Four. This means that KU will NOT make the Final Four.

Sweet 16 12:47: 30

Yikes that took 11 minutes?!!

South

Kentucky –

Wichita State – SHOCKERS! Really wish KU would start a home and home with Wichita State in the near future, but that will never happen.

Baylor

Duke

West

Michigan State – OK, I lied. I won’t pick SLU to go very far. But the second round is at least pretty good. And if Michigan State makes the Final Four, I really don’t think I’ll watch it.

Davidson – Another reason why I love Davidson – Stephen Curry is in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGQID66agH4

Marquette

Missouri

East

Syracuse – The KSU over Syracuse pick is becoming way too trendy, so like all other fashions, I will shun it.

Harvard – If you pick Harvard to win one round, you have to pick Harvard to win two rounds.

Florida State

Ohio State

Midwest

North Carolina – Yeah, UNC might be my national champion pick. I guess we’ll find out in less than 13 minutes or so.

Michigan – I keep hearing lots about a great freshman PG for Michigan. Definitely don’t know his name, though.

Georgetown – I get to this point in the bracket every year. I don’t want to pick either team to win, not Georgetown and not San Diego State.

St. Mary’s

Kansas

Elite 8

12:54:18

South

Kentucky

Duke – ZOMG – Kentucky and Duke are going to play in the Elite Eight in the 20-year anniversary of their game of the century or whatever from 1992. Dick Vitale will officially become the first human to reach the state of Nirvana when this happens.

West

Davidson – Just had to do it. This is really going to cost me.

Missouri – Tigers’ guards are pretty darn good.

East

Syracuse

Ohio State – I really hate my bracket. Just having all these No. 1 vs. No. 2 matchups feels like a lack of fun. I should return to the old days of studying for three days and then making picks. Then I could at least know I wasted a ton of time making terrible choices.

Midwest

North Carolina

Kansas – UNC vs. KU round two. Will Roy Williams wear a Jayhawk on his sweater for the actual game this time?

Final Four

12:58:43– Whooo, eight minutes left.

Kentucky – Too much talent on Kentucky. Way too much.

Missouri – Those guards!

Ohio State – I wish Ohio State still had Scoonie Penn on its roster.

North Carolina – My final apology to KU fans. This Kansas team just doesn’t have enough depth or scoring to make the Final Four. Well, actually it does this year. College basketball has been all about parity the last several years but this year that seems to be the case even more. UConn could conceivably go to the Final Four again this year, and UConn sucks. But anyways, a team with Conner Teahan as the first option off the bench will not make the Final Four.

Championship game

1:02:10

Kentucky – Calipari is so close again to that title that will undoubtedly be stripped away three years down the road.

North Carolina – Carolina and Kentucky are the two most talented teams, but damn, I just remembered Henson is injured for the Heels. Hope it’s not too serious or this bracket could be worse than expected.

Champion

1:05:49

North Carolina – Yeah, North Carolina. College basketball is a game for the power teams. March Madness is always fun for the first two rounds, but honestly, after the first weekend, it really starts to wear on me. That’s when Carolina, Duke and Kentucky just win the games we expect them to win. My alma mater, Kansas, certainly fits in there, too, but I still get sick of seeing all the blue bloods. Butler, the last two years, has been the greatest development for the NCAA Tournament. Without a true unexpected team making a run, as Butler, VCU, George Mason, Davidson and company have done the last few years, the Tournament loses its appeal. Here’s hoping this bracket is even worse than the worseness I predicted two minutes ago and that somehow, the championship is SLU vs. Harvard.

Just got that done with 22 seconds to spare. Now that’s timing. Enjoy March Madness everyone!

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